Seeds that grown within us

11 May 2020

I planted sunflower seeds with the Spring Equinox; a physical manifestation of gratitude for the earth’s beauty and with them, assigned intentions of beauty I wanted to grow and be grateful for within myself.

Self-Love

Self-Worth

Self-Confidence

Self-Preservation

They all died. 

They were hanging in a jar at the foot of my bed every day to greet me as I woke up, basking in the morning sun. I watched them with pride and excitement as they sprouted, I watered them and often cradled them with loving energy, taking time to thank and encourage them. After a while though…I stopped seeing them or I would glance and think about checking on them but got distracted. 

As they grew I felt less needed by them, so I told myself I’d let them do their own thing, that I’d act when I knew they needed more. Eventually they got so long their stems hung down the sides of the jar; their early leaves began to wilt and clearly wanted extra support in the soil, to be replanted into a bigger container giving them space to grow.

Weeks of growing only took 3 days and a full moon in Scorpio for them to completely die away.

I suddenly woke up and noticed they were looking desperately unhealthy, I suddenly panicked and pressure kicked in on myself to save them. I sourced a bigger pot, fresh soil, supports and decided to water them to try and make the transition easier. The jar they were growing in had no drainage and I watched as they all rapidly declined, turned limp and drowned.

This was my first attempt to grow plants from seeds and though I’d asked advice from friends with more experience and knowledge, I was just running with an idea of how I wanted to do it…which worked for a while. The basic conditions were there and the method was sound in theory, but I hadn’t accounted for longevity. 

As they wilted I feared it was a symbol and sign of my intentions dying with them. Those 4 small seeds and intentions were fighting for space in my world, all important but feeling distracted and being noticed but not acted on.

They needed me to be present.

Sustaining life takes commitment, sustaining growth takes commitment.

My plant savvy friend came and helped me try to save some of the last remaining stems, teaching me my mistakes and explained ways I could have cared for them better. 

“We care for the soil and the plants do their own thing.”

You can’t rush to save something once you see it’s on the brink of dying, panic is fear based and leads to irrational yet un-intentional drowning. Trust is showing up consistently out of love.

There were plenty of moments I could have intervened and I chose not to, chose to put my commitment elsewhere. I realised where I hadn’t met my responsibilities, the ways I had failed and I chose to forgive myself for the shame, because I am human and negligence happens. But all forgiveness needs change in action to feel deserved.

I began waking up and glancing at the new pot where clearly the old stems were fully gone, they hadn’t taken root. On some level I never really expected them to. Moving them to new soil and tying them to a support wouldn’t bring back their vitality, not at that stage, the roots were too damaged to regenerate.

Part of the beauty of growth is accepting that all things must also die. 

As I pulled the withered stems from the soil, I still handled them with great care and reverence. I spoke to them with fondness as I did when I channelled loving energy into them as they grew. I told them I was sad they had died, but so grateful for what they had represented. Yesterday I gave them back to the earth along with my offerings of gratitude for the full moon.

I realised the limitations I was putting on my relationship with the plants and decided that I’m not content simply sustaining them. I want to aim for more. 

I have proven that I can sustain, that I am capable of commitment and have choice over how I use it, where to consciously channel it and to learn that in all failure come with inevitable disappointment - but by facing it comes a chance to try again.

My commitment and drive to change is my responsibility; if I repeat things I know don’t work, like a jar with no drainage, or make small changes like adding a short support, I will likely only see small progress. Making little alterations I’d watch them grow a little further to die over and over, but likely never truly flower.

While I’d still be grateful to sit in the comfort of each little cycle, happy to still be learning lessons…I could allow myself so much more happiness being really present with them. I can want more for them, want to make significant change, want regeneration rather than just sustainability.

In showing dedication and effort to trying things outside what I already know; to ask more questions but really listen to my own judgement, to take risks and move forward in trust that it’s the act of adapting that get easier. All based on remembering the times I’ve learnt little lessons before.

If they die after all that effort, more will feel at stake and my disappoint may be greater. But how grateful and proud I’ll feel for the chance to see the beauty in them flower; to know that I could and would have the chance to grow them again.

“Sunflowers symbolise adoration, loyalty and longevity. Known as happy flowers they bring joy. 

They also symbolise worship and faithfulness because of their resemblance to the sun, which is associated with spiritual knowledge and the desire to seek light and truth.”

The story of origin tells of two lovers; one of whom grew jealous and felt betrayed that the other shared love with someone else, acting in revenge to end it. As punishment the one who acted vengeful got turned into a flower, but still loving the other so much, chose to watch over them each day. Just as the sunflower follows the sun across the sky.

Whether we choose where we focus in our lives, on the light or the darkness, we have much to learn from the truth of them both and that they have to exist together. We can find love in all that we do and all that we see around us as we accept the shadow.

I made the conscious choice to plant more seeds today. 

They may get assigned intentions or they may not, but I’ve learnt so much more about nurture.

Development is regenerating.

These lessons I will carry into my everyday and my internal world and will have an impact on my outer world. Out of this cycle and way of life in quarantine that will eventually end. And into the new life and a new world where I will be committed to conscious change and gratitude.

So long as there is one seed, there will always been more and the idea of nurturing it can not be damaged.

My sunflowers all died so they could have the chance to grow back stronger, 

and be admired that they infact, 

still grew.